Episode 97 – The Graveyard Gala…

The Graveyard Gala: RSVP Optional…

In Ireland, the yearly graveyard mass isn’t just a mass, it’s the Met Gala for the dearly departed. Everyone piles into the graveyard in their Sunday best, murmuring prayers while scanning the crowd like hawks: “Who showed up? Who didn’t?”

Miss it, and the whispers start before the priest even gets to the Gospel. God forgive us, but the drama isn’t buried, it’s alive and well, thriving between the headstones.

The Invite That Never Came…

So today, Fanny (you know, the family’s self-appointed PR agent) decides to text Saul about the big event. Saul, who hasn’t heard from her since she crashed his granddaughter’s christening like a long-lost Kardashian.

And me? The one who actually lives nearby? Not a peep. Apparently, I’m the ghost of this family story. How ironic is that?

Do I care? Nah. But it does make me laugh; these are the same people who think honoring the dead means making sure everyone sees them doing it.

What I Actually Believe..

Here’s the thing: I don’t need to freeze in a graveyard to prove my love for the people I’ve lost. My bond with them isn’t about optics or attendance. It’s in the quiet moments, when I light a candle at home, when I talk to them in my head, when a song comes on and I feel them right there beside me.

That’s real. That’s the connection. Not standing in a field because someone will gossip if I don’t.

The Big Decision…

So, will I go? Not a hope. I couldn’t be arsed, and honestly, why give the “lovely family byproducts” the satisfaction of a cameo appearance? They thrive on drama; I thrive on peace.

To my people underground: you know I love you. To the rest of you? Enjoy the show. And make sure you get my good side when you’re talking about me later.

The Ultimate Guide to Surviving Graveyard Mass Politics.

(Because in Ireland, the dead aren’t the problem, the living are.)

1. Arrive Early (But Not Too Early)…
Show up before the priest starts, but after the gossipers have arrived; this ensures maximum visibility with minimal loitering.

2. Wardrobe Matters…
Dark colours say respectful mourner, bright colours scream attention seeker. And for the love of God, no sequins, unless you’re burying a pop star.

3. Grave Positioning Is Key…
Stand close enough to your family plot for Instagram proof, but not so close that you’re roped into small talk with Auntie Passive-Aggressive.

4. Master the Nod…
A solemn nod covers everything: hello, goodbye, and I’m pretending I don’t want to throttle you for ignoring me all year.

5. Exit Strategy…
Leave quickly after the final blessing. Do NOT get trapped in the “refreshments” zone, aka the gossip buffet.

If the dead could talk, they’d probably say: ‘For the love of God, stop making a show of yourselves and let us rest in peace. But sure, where’s the fun in that?‘