UNDER THE WILL… OVER THE DRAMA…

Hugging a Stone Post: The Family I Loved but Never Belonged To…

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by

Mae Faurel
in

Favored, Abandoned, or Just Misunderstood?

Yesterday, while chatting with Phil over on For Singles and Couples, one sentence stuck with me:

“Were you favored, even though you apparently ‘abandoned’ everyone to go to the States?”

It made me pause. In some ways, I was both. I was Granny Frass’s favorite, and Aunty Fan’s too. They saw me clearly, accepted me, even celebrated my quirks. But my mam? She tolerated me. Tried to mold me into the “perfect daughter.” It never worked; I was never going to fit into neat little boxes. So I left.

Leaving was hard. All I ever wanted was to belong. To be a part of the family I loved, even if I didn’t quite fit. Years later, life brought me back from the States under difficult circumstances, filing for divorce in Ireland, and my Mam had just been diagnosed with cancer. I was in the kitchen when she told me. My instinct was to hug her. I did. But it was like hugging a stone post. No warmth, no response, no connection.

At the time, I thought her coldness was about me. I thought I hadn’t been enough, hadn’t done enough, hadn’t tried hard enough to be the daughter she wanted. But years later, I discovered a truth that re-framed everything. My Mam had had a son as a teenager, before she married my dad. Granny Frass had sent her to England to “sort it out.” The shame, the secrecy, the burden of carrying something so heavy alone, it had frozen her from the inside.

Understanding that changed everything. Her inability to connect wasn’t about my worth. It was about the weight she’d carried silently her whole life.

So, favored or abandoned? Maybe neither. Maybe it’s about recognizing that family is complex, layered, and sometimes broken in ways we can’t see. Choosing to leave, to live authentically, doesn’t mean abandoning. Sometimes it means surviving, and learning, eventually, to see the human behind the walls.

Sometimes, being ‘favored’ or ‘abandoned’ isn’t about the choices we make; it’s about understanding the hidden burdens we all carry, and learning to forgive the walls that never moved.

Mae 🧡

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Comments

8 responses to “Hugging a Stone Post: The Family I Loved but Never Belonged To…”

  1. Bob Lynn Avatar
    Bob Lynn

    Mae,

    Your mam’s stone post suddenly makes perfect sense – what a revelation that must have been. How neatly we arrange our hurt into neat little narratives of rejection, when the truth is far more complex and rather less about us entirely.

    That frozen response wasn’t indifference; it was preservation. Some wounds calcify so completely they become armour, don’t they? Your granny’s “sorting out” created the very coldness you spent years trying to thaw.

    Perhaps the greatest kindness is recognising that some walls were built long before we arrived – and that leaving isn’t abandonment when staying means suffocating against stone.

    Beautifully observed, as always.

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    1. Mae Faurel Avatar
      Mae Faurel

      Thank you, Bob. You’ve put into words what I’ve been circling around for years. That armor… yes, it was actually survival, not rejection. I think once I saw that, the sting eased a bit, even though it doesn’t change the story. You’re right about the walls; they weren’t mine to break down, only to stop bruising myself against.
      I really appreciate your reading of it; it means a lot. 🧡

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  2. mjeanpike Avatar
    mjeanpike

    Beautifully said, Mae. It made me a little sad though.

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Mae Faurel Avatar
      Mae Faurel

      Thank you, Jean. Sometimes I think naming it lifts a bit of the weight, even if the ache lingers.🧡

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  3. For Singles And Couples Avatar
    For Singles And Couples

    🙁 I’m sorry M,
    Late to the meeting, and also late to the post.
    I know most of us have family/relative drama, we’re human beings.
    However, now, things are making more sense to me.
    I know the religious attitudes which still prevails in some quarters, is a big reason why many throw the baby out with the bathwater, not understanding what God would really want in that situation, therefore not wanting to believe in Him.
    No word of a lie, recently, my sister, Lois and I, were talking about the attitude to women back in the day, and even now, when they become pregnant before marriage.

    You obviously bore the brunt of mum’s resentment, shame and self-loathing, over what she was made to do.
    Made more intense, if your elder brother, was also your dad’s son.
    You were the example which showed her, she didn’t have to abort, life would still go on.
    I understand, but, like you said, it wasn’t your fault, and I’m glad you acknowledge and understand that.🫂

    I’ve only hugged my dad a few times, life yourself, always instigated by me.
    I think I would have received more reciprocation from a statue, or one of those dolls which the sad men use.
    I know that stone, cold, feeling only too well.

    I know there are many, but in this instances, you experienced one of life’s ironies. Granny (who encouraged/demanded termination) was the one who favoured you.
    I’m sure you know where I’m going here…
    Mum was shamed by Gran, Gran then takes you in and favours you.
    To use a colloquial term, mum’s ‘beef’ wasn’t really with you, it was with gran, you just bore the brunt of it.

    I use the word ‘abandoned’ because I was accused of that on two occasions, the first, when I moved out to get married, and the second, when we made our big move in silence.
    You know my family background, my siblings were not use to, what should be the natural order of things, because, growing up, we didn’t see it.
    As the eldest of 7, I took on more responsibilities than I should have, to assist a single mum, and when I left to live my life, the (behind my back) accusations began to fly around.
    Their selective memories, would say otherwise.

    Now ma, has been explained, but there’s still no reason or excuses for Bully and sis, to be acting the way they are.
    Were they ostracised by Granny and Aunty?
    Were they compared to you and always found wanting?
    Was your name constantly been applauded when you were State side?
    Were they treated as if they were surplice to requirements?

    Obviously, I’m not looking to justify their ‘jackassary’ and ‘greedy basket’ behaviour, just seeking to understand.

    As always, thanks for sharing.
    I appreciate the mention, and giving me a nudge. 😉

    Much Love. xx

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    1. Mae Faurel Avatar
      Mae Faurel

      Good morning Phil,
      You’ve pieced together the layers in a way that makes sense, and yes, it was never really about me, but being the ‘living reminder’ made me the target. Funny how family wounds weave themselves through generations, isn’t it?

      I’m sorry you know that coldness too; that statue hug is all too familiar. We learn to live without it, but it leaves its mark. You’re right about the irony with Granny and Mam. Life has a way of twisting things so that pain and favor get tangled. And yes, my siblings, well, their behavior is on them. Maybe there were old wounds, but at the end of the day, each of us has the choice to rise above instead of dragging others down. I really appreciate you taking the time to reflect on this.
      Much love right back at you xx

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  4. Joey Jones Avatar
    Joey Jones

    Wow Mae! x

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Mae Faurel Avatar
      Mae Faurel

      Yeppers 🧡

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