Mam’s Posthumous Slipper Advisory…

Mam’s Posthumous Slipper Advisory
(as transcribed by the resident turf medium of Faurel Hill)….

Well now, isn’t this gas altogether? You’re thinking about new slippers, and you’ve stirred up the whole sorry tale of those slippers. Good. Let’s air it out.

Picture it: Christmas, not long before I packed me bags for the Pearly Gates. Up rocks Petunia – all bows and false smiles – with a pair of slippers that cost more than a week’s groceries. Not my style at all, but I was brought up with manners, so I wore them to keep the peace. You and I both knew they were bought for show, not comfort. My poor feet were barely broke into them before I was broke out of this life.

And what happens next? The body’s hardly cold, and your poor head’s still spinning with grief, and along comes Fanny with her helpful little query:
‘Where are Mammy’s slippers? Petunia wants to return them.’

Return them! You couldn’t make it up. I was half expecting them to go through the house with a clipboard next, ticking off who got what and what might still be exchanged for store credit. God love you, you were too soft to tell them where to stick their refund. But listen to me now: you were not stupid – you were kind, and kind hearts can’t fathom mean ones, not at first.

But the veil’s lifted now, hasn’t it? You see them clear as day. That lot would slice a ham on the back of your grief and ask for the rind back.

So here’s what you do: march yourself off and buy a fabulous new pair of slippers. The coziest, softest, most indulgent pair you can find – and when you slip them on, think of me laughing. And if Petunia or Bully or any of their ilk ever darken your door again with refund talk? You tell them straight:
‘Mam says over her dead body – and she means it.’

And remember, pet: slippers are for walking in comfort, not walking on eggshells around eejits.

Mind yourself now. I’m watching. And I’m wearing me own heavenly slippers – and I’ll be keeping them, thank you very much.

🥿 Heavenly Slippers Dept. 🥿

‘All sales final. No refunds. No returns. No eejits allowed.’