It’s a well-documented phenomenon in certain bloodlines and mine’s no exception – that one poor sod is born rotten to the core. Not a lovable rogue. Not a harmless gobshite. No, this one’s a proper, Grade-A certified b*****d.
In our house, we affectionately call him Bully.
Now, you might be thinking ‘Every family’s got one‘. And you’re right. Trouble is, most families politely ignore theirs or keep them confined to the Christmas table, three whiskies in and safely passed out by dessert. But some, like ours, hand them the keys to the kingdom, the family WhatsApp group and the grocery fund.
So in case you suspect you might be harboring a similar specimen, here’s a handy guide to identifying an evil relative before they start draining your life force like a badly-dressed tormentor.
1. The Grocery Receipt Audit.
Now this one’s a classic. The hallmark move of the low-grade tyrant.
If your relative demands grocery receipts for food money THEY provided (dad’s money), not for budgeting, mind you but as a power move – congratulations. You’re living in a low-budget psychological thriller.
Bonus points if this demand arrives via a cold, clipped text message. No greeting. No human warmth. Just a stiff little line like:
‘If you don’t provide receipts for the money supplied for food and household items, we’ll be taking over the shopping next week.’
A true masterstroke of passive-aggression, worthy of a slow clap.
2. Emotional Blackmail, Served Daily.
They hand you a fiver, then behave as though they personally rebuilt your life brick by brick. Any act of generosity comes with invisible strings attached, strings they will yank at will to remind you you’re indebted.
Phrase you might hear:
‘After everything I’ve done for you…‘
Translation:
‘You still exist and I’m furious about it‘.
A good villain has a signature look and evil relatives are no different.
This one’s a smug little curl of the lip, deployed at the exact moment someone else’s life falls apart. A petty victory. A ruined holiday. A missed inheritance.
They’ll stand there like a serial killer in a Colombo episode, smirking while the rest of the room implodes. Some call it satisfaction. I call it the devil’s arsehole.
4. Collecting Enablers Like Fridge Magnets.
Truly terrible people never operate alone. No, no. They gather a personal cheer squad of spineless yes-men or women and sycophantic aunties who wouldn’t know integrity if it bit them on the backside.
These are the ones who mutter ‘Well, you know what she’s like… while topping up his whiskey and handing him your dignity on a silver platter.
5. The Inheritance Hawk.
If there’s even a whisper of a will being drafted, watch them circle like vultures over roadkill. They’ll be at the solicitor’s office before the ink’s dry, ‘offering to help’ and sniffing around for anything not nailed down.
Clue:
They start referring to other relatives as ‘them‘ and ‘those people‘ in conversations before the body’s even cold.
6. The Least Sincere Funeral Eulogy Ever Given.
When someone dies, normal people mourn. Evil relatives use it as a press conference to announce their own greatness.
Watch them hijack eulogies, blurt out irrelevant stories where they somehow emerge the hero and deliver crocodile tears so forced even your half-blind great aunt can smell the bullshit.
Bonus round: They immediately reposition themselves as The New Head of the Family, like it’s some tragic medieval drama.
7. Master of the Cold, Unspoken Threat.
The truly dangerous ones don’t always shout. They don’t have to. One text. One look. One vaguely worded message that could be read a hundred ways but you know exactly what it means.
‘We’ll be taking over next week‘.
Not a suggestion. A hostile takeover. Dressed up like it’s ‘for your own good’.
Classic.
8. Gaslighting as a Sport.
Evil relatives never quite remember the awful things they did. And if you dare bring them up, you’ll be met with a blank stare or a dramatic ‘ I never said that. You’ve always been so sensitive‘.
By the time you’re done arguing, you’ll feel like you imagined your entire childhood.
Spoiler alert: you didn’t.
In Conclusion:
Some evil is subtle. It lurks in petty texts, snide remarks and the uncanny ability to turn family dinners into hostage situations. It doesn’t wear horns or breathe fire. It drives a sensible truck and has opinions about ‘proper behavior.’
The good news? You can see it now. You can laugh at it. You can write dark little blog posts like this, naming no names but knowing full well exactly whose gravy-stained face you’re picturing.
And if all else fails?
Bless yourself. Light a candle. Unfollow them on social media. And maybe, just maybe, booby trap the Christmas pudding.
UNDER THE WILL... OVER THE DRAMA... 
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