Episode 12 – Golden Child Clause (Unofficial, But Totally Enforced)

Etched into stone tablets by Aunt Eileen’s side-eye and blessed by the Ghost of Passive Aggression Past.

Clause 1: The Golden Child is always right. This includes but is not limited to:

• Situations where they are demonstrably, astronomically wrong.
• Historical revisionism (we remember who crashed Dad’s car etc.).
• And any time they cry (weaponized tears are admissible in family court).

Clause 2: The Golden Child shall inherit:

a) The family home, plus associated tax burdens you’ll be guilt-tripped into helping with.
b) The good china, even though they microwave fish in it.
c) Emotional immunity – all feelings are valid, especially theirs.
d) Your silence. And by silence, we mean total compliance with the family narrative

Clause 3: Should you mention words like ‘boundaries’, ‘therapy’, or ‘justice’, the following will occur:

• You will be diagnosed as ‘unstable’ by Uncle Mick, who once tried to invest in alpaca NFTs (Non-Fungible Tokens).
• A family ‘check-in’ (ambush) will be arranged, where everyone tells you how hard this is for them.
• Immediate exile from the family will, the Whats-App chat, and possibly the family group Netflix account.

Clause 4: The Golden Child may:

• Delegate all labor.
• Take all credit.
• Collect sympathy for stress they outsourced.
  (Bonus points if they post a vague Instagram story about ‘doing too much for people who wouldn’t do the same‘)

Clause 5: If the Golden Child experiences even a mild inconvenience (e.g., being asked a basic question), the family must activate:

• Full Emergency Loyalty Protocol.
• Immediate emotional CPR.
• Sacrifice of one sibling to the Group Chat Wolves.

Clause 6 (Unofficial but Binding): If you break these sacred laws, you will not be confronted directly. Instead, you will be:

• Whispered about.
• Judged via emojis.
• And assigned the role of ‘villain’ in a dramatic retelling that somehow makes the Golden Child the underdog.

To dispute this contract, please send a notarized letter to That One Cousin Who’s in Therapy Now. She’ll totally bring it up… eventually.

Does anyone relate to this?