Episode 5 – Whose Crap Is It Anyway? A Septic Saga

Ah yes, the joys of countryside living – fresh air, wide open spaces and apparently, a septic tank that’s now my sole responsibility because my bodily functions are quote ‘not welcome on his land’.

Let’s unpack that, shall we?

So I live here under the legal right of residency. That doesn’t come with a throne or a crown, but it does come with basic expectations – like access to water, heating and a sewage system that doesn’t double as a political statement.

But according to my brother (landlord? dictator? rural overlord?), I now have to personally arrange and pay to have the septic tank emptied. Why? Because he doesn’t want my shit ‘spread on his land‘. I wish I was making this up.

Now I’m no plumber but last I checked, if a septic tank needs emptying constantly, something ain’t working right. Maybe a system issue. Maybe a maintenance problem. Or, hear me out – maybe it’s just not my job because I didn’t install the damn thing and I’m not the one renting this place out like it’s a livable Airbnb in the Twilight Zone.

But logic doesn’t work here. Logic packed up and left with the last flush, apparently. What we have instead is weaponized responsibility: ‘You live here, so you deal with it’. Oh, and don’t you dare let the waste touch my precious land. What next, will you poison the crops with your sin-filled wastewater?”

It’s giving biblical plague, but with invoices.

So now, on top of dodging surveillance cameras and signs about parking, I get to call septic services and try to explain that no, I don’t own the house, yes, I live there legally and no, I can’t answer why the owner is pretending waste removal is a personal attack.

Maybe I’ll make t-shirts:
‘Not my tank, not my turds.‘

Lesson of the day: In rural family politics even your crap becomes a weapon. Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode of Under The Will, Over The Drama featuring… probably electricity rationing or a moat.